Life Currently (no.2)

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For the longest time I had been the girl who was always under par. It’s basically the kind of person that’s always under the given standards. It hurts that I’m of the ambitious type. I get all these weird-slash-creative ideas and it frustrates me when I can’t meet them. No one likes that feeling, I’m sure. No one likes to feel frustrated.

Because of this, I consciously wanted to hone the skill of not giving a f**k recently. I was troubled that it would make me a heartless person altogether, but no it didn’t. Rather, it made me feel more secured of what I am as a person–along with all the quirks that come with myself.

When I was about age 17 or 18, I used to look at all these awesome Instagram pictures and I’d get…jealous. Not happy for these creative people, but jealous. I became so covetous of what their feeds had so I strove to take “good” photos as well. With a crappy phone camera. And then I’d get frustrated as to why no one likes my uploads. And then I’ll feel unworthy (Can you even believe it? I actually based my worth on number of likes…like wow). And then I’ll get faux inspired again, and the cycle starts all over. It was only the time when I decided to just, you know, let go of things that doesn’t concern me did I feel genuinely happy for my friends, for the people around me. It was like gradually I was losing this envious skin of mine and it felt so great. It feels so great to finally look at a great picture of your friend and genuinely say, “Oh my god! YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!!!!”, rather than 2014 me would do, i.e. roll my eyes and reassure myself that she’s just another pretentious f***er.

It feels soooo great to feel secured of what you are and just being happy for others. It doesn’t mean I won’t have the occasional “inspiration” hits here and there, but at least now I know that it won’t just be another futile thing that I’ll start and then dump away later. This time when I do something it’s not because my feed will look better or that my photo will get more likes or that I’ll impress more people, no. This time it’s for me. And I thank the heavens for that simple contentment that’s budding in my heart. Sure there’ll be days that I’ll feel crappy and envious of others, but don’t we all? The only thing that matters is that the days of contentment is greater than the days of feeling terrible.

I always thought that decidedly putting a little bit sunshine out in the world would be another worthless thing to do, that it was just pretentious. It’s not. It really isn’t. Because I didn’t feel this security in myself before this. If I knew, I would have done this a lot sooner.

thebookweirdo


*Image via Stocksnap

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