I’m A Mess


“This is gonna be my year–I can feel it.” 

But life, apparently, decided to not agree. 2016 so far, isn’t my year. Ever since the year rolled in, I got nothing done. I got briefly depressed. I got tired. I got side-tracked from this wonderfully planned life I was hoping for. I got ashamed to go out and meet and talk and just live with people. It seems as if it really wasn’t my year.

Now, with the year eight months in I look back. What have I done through the year? I haven’t done shit. The only thing setting me back from graduating from my university is my undergraduate thesis. A piece of paper that I have tried to write over and over but still end up failing. I guess, I lacked discipline.

And I’m so tired. I’m so tired to just keep existing. I hardly lived. I’m just here. The shell of what I am supposed to be. I’ve failed myself, I’ve failed my parents, I’ve failed everyone. And it’s all because I’m this lazy fuck who refuses to get off my butt. It’s August 11 already.

I wake up always panicking–what am I to do today? It’s been almost a year of just nothing. And again, I’m just tired. Tired of this self-pity shit I’ve been wallowing into. Tired of hiding behind my shadow. Tired of being such a coward.

Don’t get me wrong, I have implored myself to what seems like a million times to pick myself up and start over. But, how does one exactly start over? I have no clue. But I certainly want to.

I’m on my bed writing this at 9:15 PM in the evening. Trying yet again to convince myself to be brave. To take the leap of faith and just trust. What do I have to do next? Nothing but to move on and just stop looking back. Everything in the past can’t be changed. It’s not like I have a time-turner.

I’m done being this empty shell of a woman. I’m done trying to ‘find myself’ in places where I obviously can’t. I’m done questioning the circumstances in my life. This is my life. I’ll learn how to deal with it, one step at a time.

Much like this piece, I am a big hunk of a mess. But then again, who isn’t? Here’s to me just throwing the past behind and looking ahead and finishing my degree. This has set me back much too long. I guess I am having this weird resolutions thing in the middle of the year.

Who cares? It’s my life. And everything’s up to my hands.